forever i have wondered how these two really strong, really opposing, personalities i have live together in my one body. i am totally a dreamer. someone who gets lost in movies and music and design, who needs to be making something to be happy. i am an introvert who never wants to leave my house or close my novel. big but: i am also super left-brained. i love stats, economics, logical debate with real people, technical writing and research papers, studying, and yes, obsessively cleaning and organizing.
i want, and have tried, to be happy with only using one side of me. for awhile, my job was to stay home and knit and take pictures and write from my heart and do crafts with my daughter. i loved it! i hated it! to please my other personality, and nagging spiritual promptings, i jumped back into this horrible schooling process. i love it! i hate it! i miss my old life. i have been getting seriously concerned that i'm just a person for whom the grass is never green enough. and based on my experiences in life right now, i have been worried that my post graduation life will continue to be a craftless, soul-sucking existence.
last week i had a comforting epiphany. as we were discussing political strategies based on sociological theories in class, i realized, this work requires incredible creativity. school sucks, that's true. but to propose solutions for social problems, to intelligently and non-divisively defend positions that are not popular, to research and write about the human experience, to find the right therapy to heal a wounded soul, to work on minimizing social program ineffectiveness and maximizing human effectiveness... these activities all require serious creative juice.
so ya, right now is weird. without balance. but someday, when twenty page papers aren't due endlessly, it will be so different. i will go off to social work creatively and extrovertly for some hours each day. then i will come home and mother, wife, and craft creatively and introvertly for some hours each day. i just need to make it through this out of balance rough patch. then i'll reap the rewards of my hard work and will be one unified person. happy in the green, green grass.
i think these feelings can apply to many different life stages. one stage that immediately comes to mind is the mothering of small children. during those years, you may feel like you only have time to prepare food and endlessly change diapers. as much as i want to be you, and in that stage, i also know that it is an out of balance time. important and short, but out of balance. i look at my two older sisters, with five and six kids, respectively. once they were caring for babies 24/7. but now they are each at a stage of motherhood that affords them more time and means to pursue activities they personally find rewarding, and they get to share those interests with their teenage kids. then again, mothering a bunch of teenagers brings a whole new kind of stress.
can you relate? i guess the trick is to focus on the quickness of each trying phase of our lives and look for the great in it... the parts that may never come again and really teach us what we're made of. what's that saying? the grass is greener where you water it.